Monday, March 21, 2011

He won't change his Facebook status to "In a relationship" with me...


Question:  My boyfriend and I have been dating for about six months now. On my Facebook, I still have "Single" as my status and I've wanted to change it to "In a Relationship."  When I brought it up to my boyfriend about it, he refused to put that on his Facebook.  Not that it's a big deal, but I think it's strange that he refuses to acknowledge our relationship. After we had that conversation, I've been paranoid that he might be seeing someone else or not wanting anyone to know about me. Do you think I'm overreacting? (San Francisco, CA)

Social Shrink: Living in today’s digital world, social networking plays a huge part in our daily lives (whether intentional or not).  Our Facebook pages have become an additional aspect of our identities – we may put a lot of thought into our profile photo, our status messages, and what we include in our “About Me” sections.  When it comes to relationships, however, it is not as clearly defined across the board. 

You bring up an important question: Should one’s Facebook relationship status validate one’s relationship in real life?  Do the two go together hand-in-hand?

There are multiple possibilities as to why your boyfriend may not want to put “In a relationship” up on his Facebook.  He may be a private person and doesn’t want to put his “business” on public display.  Does he have limited info on his Facebook as it is (i.e. when you visit his page, is it pretty bare with no photos and no status messages?).  If so, not wanting to put his relationship status up there makes sense.

Alternatively, does your boyfriend have a bunch of girls posting on his wall telling him they miss him or can’t wait to hang out?  Does his Facebook page portray him as this party guy who is ‘pimping’ with all the girls?  If so, he may want to maintain this ‘single guy’ persona and show the online world that he’s single and ready to mingle.  That may be more of a reason to worry and extends way beyond whether or not he puts “In a relationship” up on his page.  If the issue is that you think he is cheating or can't acknowledge your relationship, then you have other issues rather than Facebook and need to confront that head-on.

A couple of other questions: does his relationship status already say "Single"? Or is it not even listed? Some people don't even believe in putting their relationship status on Facebook because if he is a private person in general, he might not want other people in his business. That's not to say he is ashamed of you. If you guys are doing regular couple things, he’s giving you all of his attention, and you trust him other than this Facebook dilemma, then he probably has a good reason to not post it.

You need to ask yourself if you are secure enough in your relationship to be okay with him not putting it up. Maybe you can both change your statuses to not list anything. If this is something you are adamant about then maybe you should let him know it's important to you and why - see if he changes his mind.  Talking this through with him will allow you get clarity on the situation rather than be paranoid to the different reasons why he doesn’t want to.

In the end, everyone needs to really think about how much they let their “online profile” define them in the long-run.  Facebook should not be a reason to cause conflict in your relationship since it is not a clear and accurate representation of who you are or who have relationships with.  Having such “Digital Drama” will only cause more strain on your relationship.  If you are good as is, don’t bring in this unnecessary drama!

44 comments:

  1. Some of my friends break up with their bfs if they don't put they are in a relationship. But to me, it's really not a big deal. I don't think my bf is cheating on me or acting sketchy. It's just Facebook, what's the big deal?

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  2. @Olivia... you have friends who break up with their BFs if they don't put in a relationship? Your friends are psycho!!!

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  3. I admit, I got mad at my bf for not putting his status as "in a relationship." But that was because I put it up and everyone knew and when he refused, it hurt. We eventually worked through it but I what it's like, eventually, I just didn't let it get to me anymore.

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    1. the husband i used to love with all my heart divorced me i was heartbroken, i cried every now and then. i tried everything but nothing came alright, luckily enough i was browsing on the internet and i saw testimony of clients who talked about dr.marnish, i thought may be its also one of the scamming spell caster,but my heart insisted on it until i contacted him i used his spell and it worked so nice, his spell made my husband to take me back as his wife, dr.marnish@yahoo.com has not only made my man to accept me back but also his spell made my husband to love me the more
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  4. I caught my boyfriend of over a year messaging a bunch of other girls on Facebook. He said he was bored and it didn't mean anything. He promises me he doesn't message them anymore and that he loves me. I still haven't forgiven him, but we're talking. Because he was going behind my back and because so many girls write to him, I want him to change his status- but he refuses to. I don't understand what the big deal is. What do I do.

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    1. My ex husband was doing that and 2 years later left me for one of them when our baby was 4 months old. He have the same rubbish excuses and behind my back told them he didn't love me at all. As far as I was concerned we had a great marriage until I found this... Now I am more cautious and I draw the line at certain behaviours... Be careful Hun

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    2. OMG that is what I'm afraid of! My boyfriend and me have been off and on, but this last time, I broke it off, when he came back to me he was so sad and everything and something about him was just different...so I took him back. At the festival he held my hand and put his arm around me (for the first time ever might I add...) then we did the dirty and now its like he's drifting away...plz help!!!!!!!

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  5. What if he is steady requesting millions of girls to be his friend on Facebook but yet he won't confirm he is in a relationship with me but wants to be with me I just don't understand

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  6. I am in the same dilemma too. My boyfriend even has pictures of us on his facebook, but yet refused to acknowledge that he is in a relationship with me. Additionally, I will go into his facebook wall and post something and he will not reply to my comment (in the meantime, he replies all the time to his ex-girlfriend's comments). I know it is Facebook, we shouldn't overreact, but sometimes this attitude may (or may not) hide something deeper. Personally, I think it is a sort of alarm telling you something is probably up.

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    1. My Bf is doing the same thing.. after 4 months has still not stated we are in a relationship and wont change his status, he wont like any of my post but will like everyone elses. I see red flags

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  7. My boyfriend has pictures of me on FB but I just recently found out his settings for his relationship status are set to me and my 2 female friends that he knows....in addition to only making it visible to the 3 of us he also blocked his ex from being able to see it....he doesn't know I know this...he makes statuses about me and we practically do everything besides work together...we cook and eat together as well as shower there are no weird or late calls and he gave me his cell password he isn't protective over his phone or
    Page as he stays logged onto FB....should I be worried??

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  8. don't think so ;)

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  9. This is all really sad. If you love someone...if you are committed to them...why WOULDN'T you want the world to know? The only reasons are 1) to keep your options open, 2) to cheat, or 3) you don't really love them. True love is joyful, open, and expansive. It cries out to be acknowledged and honored. The need to keep such a beautiful thing secret reeks of fear and the related need to manipulate others' perceptions. If you truly love someone, you want to share that beautiful feeling with the world. Sad times we live in. Sad thoughts on this page.

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  10. Hi, I agree, if you are truly in love, why not share it in public? Afterall, you hold hands in public? In addition, a lot of people use fb as a free dating site. When a person sees that someone is in a relationship, they are less likely to stalk and pursue someone that is already taken. My girlfriend insists on not changing her status. She claims that her fb is for family and keeping in touch with friends that live overseas. However, I suspect she is reluctant to change her status because she is waiting for the right sugar daddy to scoop her up. Until then, I will suffice. Definitely a red flag especially when she has all her ex' boyfriends As friends.

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  11. I couldn't agree more. My boyfriend (is he really, I wonder..)didn't want to be friends on FB for six months until we had a fight and finally invited me. I had already seen he had almost all women in his friend list. Two days later he immediately changed his status to "single", "interested in women". He eventually took of the "interested in.." after another fight, but kept the "single". Also, despite several trips together, he does not have a single photo of us together. On my birthday, even though he took me out to dinner, which was nice, he did not wish me Happy Birthday on my wall, but did so 2 days later for one of his woman friends. This is really hurtful and no way to act if you are really in a realtionship with someone, especially after more than 1 year together...and no it's not just FB, it's how he apparently views our "relationship".

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  12. Ya know, I am having the same damn problem. I almost feel like that my BF is hiding me from the world. He introduces me to people as his companion (isn't that a term for a dog or an "escort?") What bothers me the most is that he will post "omg I'm ugly" posts on his pictures and I'll say otherwise and say that I am with him. Then he deletes the posts. What's worse... there's a girl that gets away with saying "i love you" or "i miss you" and he doesn't care and I am like..."what the fuck?" It's almost like throwing salt into a wound. It is painful that I am not the number 1 girl in his life and yet I will do anything to keep the man in my life happy.

    I say dump him IMHO. I am trying to work things out with my BF but it still isn't happening. I'd love more than anything to be more than just a "companion" but I don't see it happening until hell freezes over.

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  13. My bf doesn't post pictures of me on fb or twitter and he won't change his
    Statuses. he has several girls writing him messages, tweeting him and writing on his wall. We've been together a year. things aren't really changing. Silly me. He doesn't even buy me things. If I'm going to be hidden it might as well be by a rich sugar daddy so we can both be getting something out of it. Don't make the same mistake I did. If a guy isn't proud to show you off drop him.

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  14. I was dating a guy for two years. He was my first boyfriend when I was 13 and I thought (from all of the wonderful things that he said when we first started dating again) that he would be my last boyfriend and that we would be married. He works for a mega church in Denver as a video guy and this was his excuse for not announcing to the world that he loved me and was going to marry me. He would not let me post photos of us together on FB and he wouldn't change his status to being in a relationship with me. A friend of mine posted a photo of my boyfriend and I so I was bold and tagged my boyfriend. He left the pic on his page for a couple of days and then deleted it. He said it was "bugging" him. Yep, I bet it was bugging him to think that other people would actually know that he was in a relationship with me. We're talking weird... anyone who has to hide being in love has a problem that is deeper than not FBing it. We've been broken up for 4 months now and I'm finally realizing that he has some serious emotional issues that run deep with him and his teen kids. Gals, you may not see the deeper issues in a guy you're asking to share a FB relationship status with... read between the lines. Being "private" is just a lame excuse. Listen to the people above who say that love is not something that should be kept private.

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  15. Wow, all of you women are pitiful. Turn the computers off and go outside and do something. Who cares if your BF doesnt change his relationship status to show he is with you. What you need to ask yourself is does he spend every moment he feasibly can with you? Does he hold your hand when you guys go out? Does he tell you he loves you and shows you in real life that he does? If in real life, not on FB or some other superficial website. Maybe FB is a childs toy to your BF maybe he doesnt give a hoot about what anyone thinks on FB. Maybe you need to stop being paranoid and just enjoy your time with him or you might run him off.

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    1. Yes, FB is not reality, but it in an extension of most peoples lives. Those people who FB, should have NO problem, posting about the one they love. The " status" thing isn't as important, unless, you are in fact in a relationship and it says single... That is a PROBLEM. Most people who don't include the one they love, in FACT have something to hide, or at least keeping options open. I just went through this with my BF. We are both in our 40's, professional adults, and have for the most part a healthy relationship. FB was a problem. He had ex " girl friends" and he admitted, that he struggled with posting about me..... Not because he didn't love me, more because he didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. Also I believe it was an ego stroke for him to have these women " hopeful "... He agreed!!!! Thank God I am dating a man who is willing to be honest. He ABSOLUTLY agrees that I should be a part of his " whole " life, he will be posting photos of us and including me. He says my feelings mean more than anyone on FB! A true man will be honest. A man who doesn't include you on FB, Twitter, or anything else, has something he is hiding. I would walk, if a man uses the " private" issue, that's BS!

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  16. it suldnt matter wat he puts on fb . . .if he really cared hell wanna see u all the time . . . if it was really between yall n he waznt cheating them he wuld be with u all the time . .

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  17. talk to him ... in person and ask him y he havnt put it ..

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  18. My BF just asked me to date him exclusively but wont change his status. As a result I didn't change mine either. He has several girls who thumbs up every damn thing he says but I am not acknowledged. We go to different schools so his friends don't even know I exist yet. If he doesn't change it soon, I am not going to be responding to his texts quite so quickly, keeping Saturday night open for him or staying up late on the phone with him.

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  19. My Bf's facebook has tagged photos with his (girl) bestfriend, but when i ask him that i'll tag him in our photos together, he refused. it damn hurts! :(
    No photos of ours, not in a relationship with me in his facebook & ive got no posts from him except from "Happy New Year" & "Merry Christmas". I envy those who posts "i love you" or "Goodmorning" in their girlfriends.. I feel like im not existing.
    I dont know how to open it up with him..

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  20. I have the sweetest boyfriend!! I swear the second he asked me to be his girlfriend and i agreed he changed his relationship status and i wasnt even thinking about facebook at the time he just wanted everybody to know that he is a taken man <3

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  21. I agree with most of what everyone said. YES, it's a red flag. But a flag for what? It depends on the guy and it depends on the relationship. My guy and I have been together for almost four years, off and on due to being long distance. During our last "break" he FINALLY put up a facebook page and it of course says "single." I wasn't upset by this because at the time he made the page, he was in fact single. In the original article, the author says to look at your man's page and see what he has on it - lots of photos, posts, etc? My guy's page is practically blank. Only a few pics (mostly of his boat) and only one of him. So I do agree that sometimes guys just don't give that much of a crap about facebook and don't bother with the changing of the status.

    On the other hand, we are now back together and not only that, I have decided to be the one to quit my job and move to be with him. Long distance isn't working and when we're together we are very happy. So I would assume since I'm moving to be with him, moving in with him actually, that we would be "in a relationship." Apparently he didn't get the memo. Forever I just didn't have anything up as my relationship status because who cares right? But as many of you posted, when you're in love you want to shout it from the rooftops. In today's social media climate, shouting equals slapping your news on facebook. So two weeks ago I abandoned the no-status-status for relationships and put "in a relationship with (insert name)"... Now, I know he's been on his page; he's accepted friend requests, etc. but hasn't even commented on the pending relationship status on his page. You guys know how it is - when someone sends you a request for whatever, it's there reminding you every single time you log in until you do something about it. I KNOW he sees it. Yet still, he is single.

    Finally I grew tired of waiting for him to broach the subject. Last night I just calmly told him that no, it wasn't a big deal because it was only facebook, however it was a big deal to me that he hadn't acknowledged me. Was he ashamed of me? Did he not want other girls to see he was taken? He asked me if it looked shady that he hadn't put "in a relationship" and I told him yes it did. Especially when you're "single" and "interested in women" and I'm leaving my life behind to be with you. Now, the important thing here is not that he broadcast to the world who his girlfriend is. I'd be happy if both of us just took the whole relationship status off our pages entirely. The thing with my situation was that since I am leaving my life I need some reassurances that I'm doing the right thing. With one little click of the mouse he could put my fears at ease by telling not the whole world, but ME that he loves me.

    Figure out why it's important to you for your man to change his status and then explain it to him. Calmly. If he's the guy you need him to be, he'll understand, but only if you explain to him why it's important to you. It can't be just some need to stake a claim on him or some other petty reason. And if he doesn't understand and insists on keeping it "single" - well, you know which way the door is. I suggest you open it and don't look back.

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  22. Im sad to see this is what defines a relationship now-a-days, my OH and I have been together 7 months, and he can be stubborn and opinionated and so when a friend of his said to him that you are not actually in a relationship with someone until you are "in a relationship" on facebook, he argued the point and now isn't going to change the status. He is the the type to never really update anything either. He told me he will change it if we get married, he said on all documentations you never say you are in a relationship, you either have single or married(and widowed etc), and so he is going to follow that. People live and breath facebook now and why should some site define your relationship, ofcourse if he isnt introducing you to anyone, there is a problem, but if he likes to bring you with him to his friends, family events, etc, why question it? Being over paranoid about that will cause him to leave.

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  23. My boyfriend and I have been on and off for 4 years. Before posting it on facebook wasn't a problem. Now he won't even accept my friend request and even took the steps of blocking me. We go out on dates, but he's introduced me as someone else to his brother's friend. I'm mainly a secret. I've told my friends and family about us being back together but he won't even admit to any of his friends.

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  24. i am in a relationship for the last 2 years.when i completed 1 year,i found my bf dating some1 else 2 but i gave him another chance,a few years after our 2nd anniversary i caught him flirting with another girl again on fb,after all thedse things i dnt wana b eith him but m nt even able to breakup,its difficult for me to forget him.he told me to give him 1 last chance to proove himself and this time if he messes with me i can do whatever i wish.i am with him for the last two years and life is becoming terrible bcuz m confused.what should i do?

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  25. my problem is that my boyfriends status is set to "in a relationship" however, he won't post 1 pic of us on there...he has tonnes of pictures with him and his friends yet won't post one single pic ever of us. i asked him why and he said it's because he uses facebook solely for networking and doesn't want to splatter private stuff on there. (he is a musician) however, he created his musician/band page since then so i asked the question again and said "so you have a band page now for 6 months, thats where you network so why don't you post pics of us on your other one" he got super pissed off and said he never has or never will post pics of him with any of his girlfriends" and said i was being stupid that what mattered is he aknowledged me in real life. (which he does)
    but i STILL don't understand what the big deal is..he says he wants to get married etc, however wont even have a pic of us on there, but posts a tonne of him and his buddies?
    it IS hurtful to see other guys FB and see them proudly displaying their gf's or wives...it makes me feel shunned, like he is embarrassed or hiding something?!
    ii try not to let it bother me but it really does :(

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  26. What if he has sent and recieved naughty photos along with it

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  27. I agree that someone who really loves you should want the world to know. I am confused. I have been seeing a guy for 4 months. It's wonderful in every way, I feel he's come this close to saying I love you. He bought me Tiffany's for my bday; he even changed his profile pic to a pic of me and him! Soo... I thought he WANTED me to send a relationship request! Fucking wrong. It turned into a huge disaster because apparently he didn't want to display that information, and I ended up completely HURT. To me, I cannot see any other possible reason for a guy not to display it other than he wants to keep his options open.

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  28. I have the same problem, it's just that he didn't mind change his facebbokstatus a month ago. We were "married" on fb for a month, than a later I said it was weird that we were married, so we changed the status to "in a relationship". But then two weeks later he changed his status to singel, and said that he didn't want to have it there. We didn't talk for 4 days since we kind off broke up or something, than he started to talk to me and everything seemed fine,so one day I asked him on fb why he didn't want to change it back, and he said that he didn't want to show that he has a girlfriend yet, since he said he had problems with that before, that fb ruined his last relationship. But like for real why did he wanted to change his relationshipstatus in the first place and later he says that he doesn't want to since he didn't want to cause any problems or jelaousy. He also said he still likes me even though it doesn't says on facebook. That he wants to wait before he changes it .. But I guess his friends knows that i'm his girlfriend since he introduced me to some few of his ? So should I just give him some time before I bring it up again ? Or what should I do ?

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  29. My current bf and I have been off an on for almost 5 years the last time we broke up was bc he was talking to other girls on FB he then came back to tell he wants marriage etc just last night he reactivated his FB and still doesn't want to change his status into a relationship I know I'm not going crazy but it's very childish on his part

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  30. i have the same problem,im with someone in the army its bad enough i dont see him much,i dont see whats the big deal of putting it on facebook,i mean hes refusing to put it on facebook and it makes me feel like im not good enough,or hes not really into me,or hes just usng me for one thing when he gets back.any thoughts?

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  31. well my boyfriend posted in a relationship with me but after a few months he changed it to single. I asked him why and he denied changing it...now we haven't communicated in 8 days..what should I do? Are we broken up??

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  32. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years & I had a brief separation for maybe a couple of weeks and he refuses to make his status in a relationship. I don't get it, if it was his status before, why is it a big deal not to now?

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  34. Dear gals, please dont get riled up with your bfs fb relationship status. It really doesnt matter as long as you guys are happy in the real world. Nobody really cares about ur bfs relationship status. If somebody wants to flirt they can do so even while their relationship status is "married". Have trust in ur bf, becuase if u dont have it then maybe u shud not be with him in the first place. And frankly soeaking, some dudes do not want to display their relationship status on fb simply becuase they dont want the whole world to know. Maybe he is scared you might dump him one day. And it doesnt mean that he is keeping his options open.
    If he loves you he will never stray. And if u act as insecure psychos he will never stay even if his relationship status says "in a realtionship" or "married". So girls please acting needy and desperate. You will only harm your realtionship if u havent yet. Dont give a shit about facebook anyways. Go out and do something with your friends and have fun rather than stalking your bf. Wehn your bf sees you have a good time with your buddies, hes gonna run after you without u ever forcing him to. Be happy be yourself...thats the only thing needed to make your guy go crazy for you! take care and god bless.

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