Question: Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a few months. Things have been going okay between us, he's fun to hang out with but I'm not sure if I want a future with him. In the week leading up to Valentine's Day, he kept talking about how he would take me out or buy me flowers, etc. I told him he didn't have to take me out. When he kept asking what I wanted to Valentine's Day, I told him I didn't want anything so he could surprise me. Finally, when Valentine's Day came, he didn't do anything! I was completely shocked! I was expecting so much more. I know this is just a stupid holiday, but am I overreacting? I don't know how to approach this with him or if I should break up with him. Help! (Atlanta, GA)
Social Shrink: You're right, it is just a stupid holiday. Though this is just one “Hallmark Holiday,” it does say something about your boyfriend and your relationship.
There are two sides to this dilemma. First, look at it from your boyfriend's perspective. That could just be it - he's guy. He is innately unromantic, lacks creativity and will do what he can to get out of planning dates. When you didn't tell him what you wanted, he most likely thought he was off the hook. He probably talked a good game to see your reaction. If you told him you don't care about Valentine's Day, he was probably jumping with joy on the inside! Since you didn't make it a big deal, he didn't make it a big deal. No biggie, right? Well, if it might be a biggie, let's take another look at the situation.
Does he do this often? Is he all talk and no show? If so, then you will constantly be expecting more and not receiving anything. If he acts like this for Valentine's Day, is he going to do the same for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, your birthday? Bottom line is that if you are disappointed multiple times, are you okay with that? The mistake you are making is that you constantly expect more of him but yet you always keep it inside. You need to take partial blame in this situation since you shouldn’t have to ‘hint’ around that you’d like for him to do something for Valentine’s Day. Tell it like it is! Stop playing games!
You should ask yourself: if he did put more thought into it, would you still like him? If you say yes, then we would suggest you let him know how you feel. Tell him why you expected more. If you’re still thinking that you don’t think there’s a future with him, then you need a new Valentine!!!
SS, normally I agree wit everything you say but this time... no. Read these lines again:
ReplyDelete"I told him I didn't want anything so he could surprise me. Finally, when Valentine's Day came, he didn't do anything! I was completely shocked!"
Paraphrased: I told him I didn't want anything, but when he did like I told him I was shocked!!!!!!
It's not the boyfriend's fault that Ms. Atlanta got disappointed. If my SO told me, several times, that they didn't want anything for Valentines day, rejecting any ideas I offered and expressing their disinterest, I'd take them at face value. That Ms. Atlanta expected to be surprised after saying she didn't want anything is very silly.
There's no need to play games. If you want to be surprised, come out and say it! Don't go blaming the poor boy for assuming you meant what you said.
I have to say that this is a real problem with relationships...COMMUNICATION! Especially with women. Men can NOT read our minds yet we have these expectations of them, that they no nothing about, then we get mad when they don't fulfill them.
ReplyDeleteMs. Atlanta the only way things are going to work is if you be honest and tell him exactly what you want and expect from him. If you wanted him to get you something but didn't want to tell him exactly what to get, you should have at least said surprise me with a gift. You told him you didn't want anything and got mad when he did what you said...too bad for you! Say what you mean & mean what you say. Stop with the games, you see it didn't end up good for you.
I agree with Nano - don't play games! The #1 worst thing to do in a relationship!!!
ReplyDeleteAgreed with all you guys! It is never good to play games with someone you are dating. One or both of you usually gets hurt.
ReplyDeleteHowever, we did put two sides to the story with our advice. Ms. Atlanta should be upfront and honest with her boyfriend. But she must also consider the possibility that he makes promises and breaks them. He gave her the impression that no matter what, he would do something for her. No wonder she was disappointed.
goyard
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